Beyond the Music

Beyond the Music

Volume 81, Episode 4. Gn’B reunion.

Narrator: After an eight year ‘hiatus’, Gn’B, one of the most successful bands of the 70s, indeed all time, emerged from the from ash heap of rock history for an even more successful 2nd career act. It may never have happened if a mutual friend did not heal the breech between two of Rocks biggest stars…

Excerpt from “The Eltin the Bard Show”, Christmas Day, 682 AD

Eltin: Our next guest doesn’t really need an introduction. He’s half of the biggest band in history, an internationally recognized superstar, and now, with his third album, a major solo artist in his own right. A towering giant; No, literally, a towering giant. Please welcome my next guest, Grendel.

Audience: [Applause][Hoot]

Eltin: Please have a seat, buddy.

Grendel: My pleasure, man.

Eltin: So, what have you been doing with yourself?

Grendel: Well, once we cut the new album, I wanted to unwind. So I went up to the north country. Some friends of mine told me about some bridges.

Eltin: You’ve always been passionate about bridges…

Grendel: … that’s right. Well, the architecture there is not what you generally see. It was a really great time.

Eltin: And everything I’ve heard recently about bridge tolls and the odd massacre?

Grendel: That has nothing to do with me. I’ve been on the wagon. They should be looking for some other troll.

Eltin: OK. Fair enough. If you go just by the music, it sounds like you are in a really groovy place.

Grendel: I’m in a great place, Eltin. Everything is so right. I mean, after everything that has happened, you get to a point where you look back and you’ve learned your lessons, and you can draw on that…

Eltin: Right.

Grendel: … They say that life is wasted on the young, and I understand that now. If I knew back then what I know now…

Eltin: I can’t just leave that hanging. Are you talking about Gn’B?

Grendel: I’m talking about my whole life, and that is a part of it. I wish I could have done things differently. There comes a day when you want to make things right.

Eltin: So, are you saying you’re open to burying the hatchet?

Grendel: Well, I can only speak for myself.

Eltin: And you do realize that you’re partner did vow to slay you when the band broke up?

Grendel: What people have to understand about that is that I was not the same troll back then. I mean, Beowulf had his reasons. I did eat most of the roadies that night and several members of the audience who wandered back stage.

Eltin: How was that different than any of your concerts?

Grendel: I think people buy into the myths of what went on back then. Hardly anyone was ever killed at our concerts, and even then, the ‘victims’ were always roadies planted in the audience. They were well payed. The audience almost always went home unmaimed.

Eltin: …hmmm…

Grendel: Things just got out of hand.

Eltin: I see. Well are you going to play something for us today?

Grendel: Sure. You are going to have to lend me 'The Lute and Snare Players', though. I didn’t bring the band.

Eltin: They’re home for the holidays, but I’ll go you one better. I’ll take the snare myself.

Grendel: That’s fine.

Eltin: And I’m sure we can dig up a lute player on show like this. Who have we got backstage?
[Beowulf Enters!]

Audience: [Screach] [Hoot] [Howl] [Faint]

Eltin: Beowulf of Wægmund, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Beowulf: What do ya say, big G? For old time sake?

Eltin: I think he’s too overcome to speak. Let’s hope he’s not too overcome to sing.

----

Beowulf: …2…3…4….
♪♫...♪♫♫♪..♫♪…♪♫♪♫

Grendel:
Chasin you;
down a muddy road
If I don’t eat you;
I might explode
And when I get you;
you’ll feel something
You better worry;
cause I'm coming

I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♪♪♪

Got what I got;
the hard way
If you’re on my bridge;
you’re goin’ to pay
Don’t believe me?
this ain’t a threat
Cause this will be;
your last regret

I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man
Play it B! ♪♫♫♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♪♪♪

Listen

Now I see you;
as some sweet meat
I’m going to cook you;
you will retreat
I like to slash;
I like to chop
When I start maimin';
I just can't stop

I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♪♪♪

Bind you with rope;
and I'll drag you in
Take your hope;
and stick you in my oven
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪♫...♪♫♫♪..♫♪…♪♫♪♫
..♫♪…♪♫♪♫ ♪♫...♪♫♫♪

I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪ Growl
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪ ROAR!!
Beowulf:You're a Troll; man! ♪♫♫♪♪♪
Grendel:I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪ GROAARR!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♫♪♪♪ BRARRGGHHHH!!! [Froth]
I'm a Troll, man ♪♫♪♪♪ [Berserk rage/runs into audience]

Beowulf and Eltin: Grendel, NOooooooooo!

Audience: [Shriek][Flee]

Narrator: Indeed there was still a load of compromising on the road to Gn’B’s Rock and Roll Horizon. But the lights did shine down that day on a new era of music... and ‘Beyond the Music’ was there.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Little Mickey: Mr. Crooner, Is Christmas about Santa or is it about the Baby Jesus?

Mr. Crooner: Mickey, a lot of kids your age ask this question…

Little Mickey: Really Mr. Crooner!

Mr. Crooner: Yes, they do, Timmy…

Little Mickey: Mickey!

Mr. Crooner: …Right…

♪♫
Many have asked the question,
What is this Christmas for?
Should we leave cookies for Santa,
Go to church, or head for the store?

Little Mickey: Different grown ups tell me different things!

Mr. Crooner: They sure do, Tommy…

♪♫
If only someone could lead us,
Guide us and show us the way,
Protect us from folly,
And help us be jolly,
Decide when to laugh, when to pray…

Little Mickey: Yeah!

Mr. Crooner: Well it turns out, Bobby, that we’ve always had people to show us the way, but it wasn’t until the late 70s that we understood who they were.

Little Mickey: Who are they?

Mr. Crooner: Well I’ll tell you, Teddy…
…

♪♫
Thought they were, three wisemen,
Coming from a far,
Thought they were, three wisemen,
Guided by a star,

Thought they were, three wisemen,
Kings of orient,
But hyperspace they travelled,
From orbit they descent,

Christmas is for Jedi,
Sabres burning bright,
Guarding Jesus’ manger,
Bathing it with light!

Who can Santa turn to,
When toys pass a war zone,
A phalanx of Light Sabers,
Will help him set the tone!

Christmas is for Jedi,
Guarding us from fear,
Bringing action figures,
Spreading Christmas cheer!

Who could make a nice list
For jolly old St. Nick,
He’ll just call a Jedi,
And ask for a mind trick!

Christmas is for Jedi,
Wisdoms hearty source,
Crushed the awesome Death Star,
Users of the Force!

Who shall be the heralds,
Of toys and also peace?
Jedi meditation,
Precedes their bomb release!

Oh! Christmas is for Jedi
Fill the malls with song,
O Jolly, you will be!
Yoda can’t be wrong!

Oh! Christmas is for Jedi,
Witness the Virgin Birth,
They’ve seen one already,
Before they came to earth! ♪♫

Mr. Crooner: And that is what Christmas is all about, Freddy.

Little Mickey: I’m more confused now than I was before.

Mr. Crooner: …Right…

(c) Mr. Crooner and Old Murphy, 2008

The New President

Many people have asked me about my thoughts about the topic of the day: Barack Obama.

A lot of people assume that I am going to take issue with the spectrum of his politics. Something does irk me, but that is not it. Here is what I think of you, Barack Obama:

"Your mother was white. A Margaret Mead style globe traipsing spoiled dilettante. She was related to the Cheney's, the Bushes and the Trumans. My mom was a homemaker.

Your father was black, but the grandson of an African chief, NOT an African American. An accomplished government man. No descendant of a slave. There is no slavery in your history. My dad was a pipefitter.

Where am I going with this?

Nobody in your family was enslaved, impoverished, or ever had cause to expect anything short of a life of great possibility that generally exceeded the surrounding proletariat.

My ancestry is littered with people who fought and toiled to build a British Empire and in return the Empire gave us a plot of rocks in the Canadian Shield to farm.

What am I driving at?

You are a heralded graduate of Columbia, and Harvard Law. You were heralded practically before you arrived. You have been celebrated wherever you went for jobs that your friends and family procured, and positions where your accomplishments are relatively meagre.

I've never been a household name in my own household.

What do I mean? Just this:

I AM BLACKER THAN YOU, BARACK OBAMA!

You are a fraud. My family is filled with cast out black haired Irish. Your family soup bowl is clogged with silver spoons. You're whiter than Nathan Bedford Forrest's ghost.

You're a phony. You say you’re going to fight the man. You are the man!

You are a charlatan. You're life is as privileged as George W. Bush's. There is no difference between dad's friends getting you the Presidency or Oprah getting it for you. You are as mobbed up in the U.S. waspish community as W. You're just a Montague instead of a Capulet. Different network, same traffic: privilege.

To say that your skin tone innately conveys an experience of oppression and a history of indifference is simply racialist. More importantly, in your case it is also false.

In any event here is my throw down: Why don't you and I get a Karaoke machine and a James Brown CD and see just who is who and what is what. You are a blue blood Yankee Doodle phoney, Barry, and (Warning, double meaning ahead) you've been served.

Still More Advice

Dear OC,

I can't stand it when I have to listen to people from other provinces like Atlantic Acadian God. Don't they know that the only reason we have provinces is so that Ontario can be one! And another thing: once we burn Toronto to the ground and drive out all those people who don't hold the same opinion as me, we'll be even better. Good lord, those Torontonians don't even have the common decency to drive Fords! Frothingly,

Cletus, Prince of Almonte.

Dear Cletus,

Your backwoods ramblings bring a tear to this old curmudgeons eye. However, your mind numbing alliegiance to Ford is just a bridge too far for my liking. If you ever choose to moderate any of your 19th century outlook, you may wish to start with that. Straighten Up and Fly Right,

OC

More Advice

Dear Old Curmudgeon,

Wherever I go, the people I left behind start screwing things up the moment I take my eyes off them. They babble on about stupid recipes and trebuchets. I keep telling them how pitiful and stupid they are, how they are letting their provincial GDP fall apart, but they never listen. Also, they stop calling me. I'm lonely. Sincerely,

Atlantic Acadian God

Dear Acadian,

Things can look different to every person depending on ones perspective. Now, if one is viewing the world through the wall of one's own colon, things can look pretty distorted. Set down the video games, pull your cranium out of the nether, straighten up, fly right. I'll call you sometime before Monday.

Old Curmudgeon.

Advice from Old Curmudgeon

Dear Old Curmudgeon,

Every time I check my RRSP statement, it is smaller. It makes me want to cry. I don’t know what to do. Do you think it’s time to get out of equities and move into something safer? Sincerely,

Financially Concerned

Dear Financially,

You are the exact kind of person that is bound to generate profit… for other people. Your weak kneed, lily liver attitude may be the problem; on the other hand, it may be a stupidity issue.

When everyone was making a profit, you followed the crowd and bought at the mountain top of the market. Now things are tough and you’re ready to play it safe… by selling at the deepest valley in the market.

Yes, it’s time for a gutless coward like you to get out of equities! Sell your shares directly to me. I’ll save you a commission.

On the other hand, this could be an opportunity for you. Maybe, instead you should get out your wallet and take advantage of one of the many idiots just like you. Of course, you’ll have to wipe the tears from your eyes first. You may have to straighten up and fly right. It’s really up to you.

Old Curmudgeon

Every Thing He Said is Just Wrong.

Let’s take this point by point:

No, I'm not getting married.

On the surface this seems truthful, but let’s face it, given your relationship to your family, marriage to any woman would be bigamy.

No, I'm not coming out of the closet I was never in, so thanks for asking.

Again, seemingly truthful, but if the love of dice and miniatures is as shameful today, as certain practices were in past, one sees the self delusion.

No, I'm not running for leader of the Liberal party. I have some standards.

This is one point on which Tom may have put forward, what in good faith, may have been thought factual. Unfortunately, putting ones hat into the figurative ring does not seem to be a criteria for candidacy, according to the 35 million names so far trial ballon-ed by the dailies. Tom should issue a clearer, definitive statement and join Frank McKenna as the second Canadian not running for the Liberal leadership.

So, what does that leave? Heaven help us all;;; a blog. I has a blog.

Close to factual. Webster’s defines a blog as: “an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog”. What Tom seems to have is “an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page along with other people’s recipes.

Said blog does not, yet, have any content.

Yes there is! There are the recipes.

Since I have other forums on the Intertubes for my (most) geeky habits, this blog is likely to contain some of the other potpourri of my interests - things about language(s), history, my thoughts and observations, recipes, daily life, family news, some things about science, math, global warming (just for Derek), the economy, etc.

It says this blog is “likely” to contain a number of things. Let’s not kid ourselves. It will include more recipes and the diatribes of an aging curmudgeon. - From one AC to another.

Most of it might be links or pointers since I'm not really qualified to speak to most matters of complexity and import, but I do read a lot of folks who do have something to contribute. Perhaps some of these pointers will find a home.

This total disingenuousness is completely belied by how often you have thought you are qualified to speak on any number of matters, based on the number of times I have seen you speak.

There's another dimension to this project - optimism. I've allowed a ridiculous work schedule to erode many things in my life that were not work. I have also allowed my genetic predisposition for a bit of a grey or cynical outlook and a negative vibe to obtain an unpalatable foothold in my life. This blog, in some way, shall be about countering that trend with some optimism and hope. I'm not really planning in turning it into a discussion forum. I am going to try to link to some good things, some happy things, and some optimistic things. I'll let some other folks tear down the illusions and the imaginings of a better future. I'm tired of that job and it is time to move in a new direction.

I just can’t even go here!

Again, not much to see right now, but you can join up as a follower (not my term - there's not a follower in the lot of you). I think you can subscribe too if you happen to have an RSS reader. I don't have any post-to-email gadgetry yet or any post-to-twitter bits either. That sort of thing may come later. I'm also not fond of the look and feel yet, but I have to have time and energy to deal with that, so that's a winter project. I'm not sure how often I'll post, but if I can get some sort of email notification up, you might not have to check back - the posts may find you (that is, assuming any degree of faint interest....).

I’m running out of time, but I think the rest of you see where I am going with this.