These Things I Hate, 2009,

Reposted for posterity from email of Dec. 09:



The Entertainment Industry



OK. Could you people pause in the middle of telling me how to live/vote/drive/eat/piss long enough to DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS!



I mean, Susan Sarandon has been with us many years, so I’m used to the sanctimony. What I am not used to is the endless stream of subpar crap that Rogers hoses into my TV room and bravely calls entertainment.



I do not think it is asking too much for you to make 10 weekly hours of programming that:

(a) Is not about teenage Vampires.

(b) Leaves the sophomoric moralizing for the Commercial PSAs, not the dialogue.

(c) Has a reasonable balance between:

a. Blowing stuff up

b. Witty banter

c. Nookie

d. Any evidence of an actual relatable thought in the head of any character on the program.



If you could get on that, I might consider not Idling my car next Earth Hour. Fuckheads.



Hockey



I was going to limit this to Bettman, but my feelings run way too deep.



a) Montreal Canadians. Thanks for fucking up my childhood. (Well, you and the guys who would not let me into advanced Math). MCs: I’ve had a pretty great run of 30 years since, how bout you? Teachers Union bastards: I do OK with the math, too. Go fuck yourselves.

b) NHLPA. You have the combined virtues of being:

1. A raft of crypto-commie unionists

2. Otherwise, a collection of thugs

3. Overpaid, enough so to act like capitalists if you weren’t so…

4. … stupid… enough so to piss it all away before you can retire, except for a small minority, and

5. A big bunch of blowhards, pathetically overshadowed by bigger blowhards, which brings me to

c) Bettman. This guy is a piece of ass-craftmanship. When you are talking about a serial liar, publically caught, dead to rights, any number of times, who won’t shut the hell up about how much he hates your country and how smart he is, and who is worshiped by the likes of Brian Burke and Bill Daly. Enough said.

d) The Leafs. (with apologies for that part of Leafs Nation that lives beyond the GTA). Thanks for fucking up my old age. I can’t get through an intersection down town without your brain dead fans milling back and forth in the streets during rush hour. Oh, and thanks for everyone who ever cuts me off in traffic. To a man, all with Leafs bumper stickers. Jump on a spike. Also, thanks for saturating the airwaves. How many different ways can you re-hash failure and get people to pay for your insightful analysis of what needs to be done to fix a complete travesty. You are idiots.



The Liberal Party of Canada



I’m just putting them in to make up an even 10. Whatever you have been doing for the last year, keep at it, you loveable fuck-ups.



Michael Ignatieff



You, sir, on the other hand, are a Douche. Yes, I appreciate the way you’ve made Stephan Dion look like a statesman. However, I have to balance that against other factors:

1) You only came back to the Country to help your intelligentsia buddies tell me how to live my life. (See Entertainment Industry).

2) You’re an Upper Canada College, Silver Spoon Dillitente and floater.

3) You’re the kind of guy who ‘found himself’, ‘backpacking through europe’, on his parents dime, in the 60s. Only stopping by to pad the resume with a g8 premiership before you become UN supreme bree inspector.

4) Go rot in your French villa, prancer.



The World Pseudo Commie Reunion Tour, Espaniol edition.



Dear Castro, Chavez, Lula:



Congratulations on pulling the wool over so many peoples’ eyes for so long. So what’s up with Honduras, eh? Your man could not turn the constitution over and bring the workers to paradise. What happened?



Well boo, fucking hoo. They (Honduras) passed on your piece of shit, leftist, tyrant, and picked themselves a rancher in a fair election.



Your days are numbered, especially, Chavez. Some day the price of oil will blip down and you will be hog shit. Production is falling. When price does, they will roast you on a spit.



I will see you in hell, bastards!



The UN



Sometimes I wake up and wonder where I can find some people better than me so that they can tell me how to live my life. No wait. I’ve got that backwards. I’ve already got Hollywood, a Doctor, Wife, Mother, Boss, and a Dentist.



I guess the question I’m asking, is for exactly what do I need you pretentious faux jiz dispensers?



Let’s not belabor the obvious: I am somewhat thankful, insofar as if you were, at all, competent, it would be a real blow to my freedom; your oligarchical, tyrant loving ways, are not to my liking.



So yes, when I think of World Government Bill 001 i.e. the first world government trial act to strong arm the worlds’ nations out of sovereignty, I am thankful that you have employed completely incompetent ‘scientists’ to massage the data. That will mess things up nicely.



However, your pretentious preening is still more than enough to put you on the list. So, here’s to you, dillitante timeservers: I hope you choke on your bree.



George Lucas



Thanks for screwing up another cherished childhood memory. For 20 years(75-95), it seems, the boomers ignored their formative 60s upbringing and were incredibly creative and productive. Now we are reliving their bullshit. This can’t end soon enough.



Torontonians



It goes without saying that when the Prolo-Torontonians are not robbing you or cutting you off in traffic, the Prae-Torontonians are telling you how to live and complaining about the price and quality of Bree. Eat shit and Die, Toronto.



Anderson Cooper and Barrack Obama



Really, I’ve said quite enough about these two on my blog. As someone who knows a thing or two about narcissism, I eagerly await news of both their futures. This graph only goes in one direction. I just

a) hope that everything is quick enough to catch their mindless drones on the bandwagon, and

b) find that it is really sad we are going to have a double dip recession in order to sort them out.